Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These 4 Tools

What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like

Hey folks, it’s me, Laura Brown - that therapist lady who definitely knows what she’s talking about. Oh, and I’m apparently a YouTuber… and I totally have that down too. Like I pretty much came out of the womb doing these things so there’s no need to question whether or not I’m full of shit.

So anyways…what are we talking about today? Oh right, imposter syndrome. Cool. That’s something I know everything about, purely on an intellectual level, and not at all in my personal life.

If you’re reading this, you, unlike me, are probably having a hard time with this “imposter syndrome” thing. I can’t say I relate, but of course I can help you with that. I’m a therapist after all! I’m supposed to know this shit! And I do. Why wouldn’t I?

Is it hot in here? I’m sweating like that time the rapping actor Eminem sang his award winning song about his mom’s spaghetti. Ok, folks, I need to come clean about something. I know it looks like I have it all together and I’m confident to a fault, and I know everything and can do it all, but if I’m totally honest, sometimes I struggle with imposter syndrome too. I was just trying to impress you when I said that stuff about how super smart I am because I was scared you’d think less of me if you knew I had my limits. So if you want to have an honest conversation about imposter syndrome, I’m here for it. And make sure you read until the end because I’m going to share the tools that I give my own clients and use myself to boost confidence when imposter syndrome creeps in.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

I know it might feel like a super overwhelming thing to wrap your head around, but imposter syndrome is really not that complicated. It’s basically just insecurity that comes up around the roles we play in life. You can feel insecure about damn near anything, like your shoe size, that gap between your two front teeth, or the fact that the backseat of your car always looks like someone threw an entire box of granola bar wrappers everywhere and then got violently ill. Ah, the life of a parent.

But imposter syndrome is less general and more about the fear of being seen as a phony in some particular area of your life. Like for me, I remember when I was fresh out of grad school and was about to have my very first therapy session with a real paying client, it took every ounce of effort I had to look confident and professional on the outside, because on the inside I was like, “Oh crap, this person is about to pay me way too much money for an hour of my time and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”

Why People Struggle with Imposter Syndrome

A lot of people struggle with these feelings when they’re fresh in a new job or career. Even though you put in the work, do the training and get the education, you still worry that you don’t actually have the skills, knowledge, and abilities to do the damn job, or you feel scared that regardless of all that, people will still see you as not good enough in your role. Even though it’s most common for these feelings to come up in professional settings, they can also happen in other important areas of life, like parenting, school, sports, or in your social life. Any time you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not a real law student; hockey mom; real estate agent; or cool person”, that’s imposter syndrome in action. Where does it come up for you? Right about now would be the perfect time to let us know in the comments!

The feelings that accompany these thoughts are usually anxiety, worry, despair, and discouragement. It’s understandably stressful, and makes many people feel like they just want to give up and go back to where they supposedly belong. Sure you may have your PhD in nuclear physics, but don’t you think that being a dog walker is a much safer career option? Then again, those dogs can smell a fake, so I dunno what to tell you!

It’s easy to take for granted that this is just a thing that happens, but if you want to overcome imposter syndrome, you kind of need to understand why. Just like literally any form of insecurity, at the heart of imposter syndrome lies the fear of rejection and exclusion. It is human as fuck to long to belong. Everybody wants to be seen as valuable and worthy in the eyes of others, and imposter syndrome plays off of that in a big way. To be seen as a phony means you don’t belong, and that’s one of the most uncomfortable and scary things for human beings to imagine.

If you’ve watched our last few videos, you probably notice a theme here. The desire for belonging and the fear of rejection and exclusion runs deep through tons of issues people struggle with. If our alien overlords are watching this video, first of all, please “like”, subscribe, and leave a comment! And second of all, I swear we’re not just a bunch of needy little bitches! Please don’t zap us with your death ray, or whatever world ending technology you have! I explain the innate human need to belong in detail in our post on breaking free from guilt, so make sure to check that out after this one, but in a nutshell, human beings have an evolutionary drive to belong in social groups. Once upon a time we relied on each other in a major, life or death way. Like if we got the boot, we were toast. That reliance and interdependence has not been lost, and we still care deeply about belonging, and so we fear rejection and exclusion. This is why we’re so concerned about whether we’ll be judged for the million and one stupid little things that we worry will make others think we suck. Because the last thing you want is to be seen as a waste of space for wearing last season’s Balenciaga sweatshirt to the gym, or not clearing 7 figures this year in your job as a TikTok nail and eyebrow influencer.

So that’s what’s up with imposter syndrome. You don’t want to be perceived as a phony or not good enough, because that would mean expulsion from the group, which touches on the importance of being seen as having value so that you don’t wind up as saber toothed tiger food. That’s cool, but what the hell do we do about that? Right about now I would tell you to sit down and take notes, but instead I’m gonna be the cool teacher who just gives them to you, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Download our free Imposter Syndrome Cheat sheet PDF. You can save it on your phone, and bring it up when you’re in the bathroom stall at work…or wherever it is you do your crying.

Flip The Script on Imposter Syndrome

The first tool to deal with imposter syndrome is to flip the script on your fears. Most people who experience imposter syndrome have a lot of “what if…” thoughts. This is a feature that imposter syndrome shares with anxiety. Whether we’re talking about anxiety in general or imposter syndrome specifically, those “what if…” thoughts are there to help you prepare to handle challenges that could be coming down the pipe. Are they annoying? Absolutely! Are they constructive? Rarely! But at the very least they are well-meaning. They’re like your overly cautious mother who wants to make sure you don’t catch your death of cold by bundling you up with 14 wool sweaters and a down sleeping bag with arm and leg holes cut into it. It’s too much, but it’s coming from a loving place.

Those “what if…” questions are obviously focused on what could go wrong, and when we’re talking about imposter syndrome, that probably sounds something like “What if I make a mistake and everyone realizes that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and they toss me out of the building in my underwear?” That’s a scary, unpleasant thought, but is it the only possibility? Of course not! Your mind is wired to think of the possible negatives so you can get out in front of them, but those thoughts mostly just cause you to stress out. If left on autopilot, you can really only expect more of the same.

Overcome Imposter Syndrome with Grounding Exercises

Once you hear or notice that annoying “what if…” chatter, do something grounding to bring you back to the present moment. Pay attention to your surroundings or breathe until you can get a break from that anxiety spiral. Once you can think more clearly, acknowledge for yourself what the heck you're experiencing! Like “these what if thoughts are anxiety talking, trying to keep me from getting rejected” I understandably feel afraid because I'm in a vulnerable position, but I'm not actually a psychic and these thoughts ain't foretelling the future.

You can also flip the script on these fears, by intentionally adding positive possibilities to the conversations that take place in your mind. “What if you kill it?” “What if you’re able to put the skills and knowledge you have to good use and succeed?” “What if you do make a mistake and everyone is really patient and nice about it?” These too are possibilities, and if you reflect on them, you’re far more likely to feel like you can hold your head up high and challenge yourself to persevere through this vulnerable period.

How to Challenge Imposter Syndrome

The third tool to deal with imposter syndrome like a boss is to be real. Don’t pose. Don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not. Imposter syndrome can influence us to overcorrect for our perceived shortcomings, which can ironically make us behave more like imposters. It makes sense: if you’re scared of being seen as not good enough, you may really want to impress people with some embellished facts about yourself. This, of course, only adds fuel to the fire, as it gives you more to stress out over getting busted for. I know you might think it makes you sound cool and interesting to tell your new friends that you speak 6 languages, including Swahili, but what happens when they get excited to meet a fellow Swahili speaker and want to have a conversation? There’s only so many excuses you can make up to get out of that one. Instead, embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect and you don’t know it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, give yourself permission to admit ignorance and ask questions if you don’t know something. It can feel freeing to just be yourself and not apologize for the gaps in your knowledge or abilities. This also opens you up to learn more. You need to be able to own your ignorance if you want to be open to lessons that fill in the gaps. Would you rather be a smarty pants who knows and is comfortable with your own limitations, or a dumb dumb who’s committed to seeming like you know it all? Let us know in the comments!

Reject The Pressure to Impress

The last tip that can make a world of difference is to reject the idea that you need to impress everybody on planet Earth. Does judgment and rejection totally suck? Absolutely. It’s legit not to want that for yourself. Again, it's human instinct to be on alert for how much we belong. But the reality is that you simply can’t win ‘em all AND you're not actually going to die from being judged critically (even if it feels like it at the time). This is where you can validate the fear with self-talk like “of course I'm afraid of being judged, that's my human beingness talkin” and follow it up with a question of what will actually happen if I'm judged?? Am I going to be kicked out of society and have to learn how to survive in the woods?? Or am I going to feel butt hurt for a day or two and then figure out a way to move on??

Also, call me a naïve optimist, but I’m of the opinion that most people are kind and compassionate when it comes to how they look at others. This means that the overwhelming majority of people who witness your shortcomings are likely to have empathy and patience for you, rather than seeing you as a waste of space who should just give up. But some people are kinda mean and judgy, and you may never be able to win with them. If you ever find yourself in that unfortunate situation, remind yourself that it’s ok for you to want to be seen positively by others, but that you can’t ultimately control whether or not they see you that way. You can only be you, and if that’s not good enough for other people, maybe that relationship isn’t going to work. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you might have around that, while also reminding yourself that they’re not the high authority on who is and is not a valid human being (or physiotherapist, or teacher, or reggae bass player). Strike a balance between the fact that you long for acceptance while also striving to accept hard truths that you ultimately can’t control. It can be especially helpful to remind yourself of this fact in moments of high anxiety, when you’re really worrying about how you’re perceived.

I may not have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance yet, but whoever you are, and whatever you do, I believe you’re the real deal. You may be new. You may not be setting any world records, but I believe that you’re good enough, and I hope you take the time to remind yourself of that too.

Therapist Debunks Self-Esteem Myths

“Self Love” is Not The Answer to Low Self-Esteem

Brace yourself! There’s an incoming hot take in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1:

Self-love is stupid.

Woah, did I just say that?! What the heck!? Am I even a therapist?

Ok, so maybe self-love itself isn’t stupid per sé. I mean, it’s good to love yourself, and to do things that are loving for yourself. But don’t you ever get tired and frustrated with all these messages you get all over social media that you just need to love yourself, and meanwhile there’s this nasty little voice inside your head that doesn’t want you to forget how much you suck?

Everyone’s always like, “You just need to love yourself”, and it’s like, “Bro, if only it were that easy”.

But here’s another hot take for you, and I hope you’re sitting down for this one: Just because it can feel like your worst enemy lives inside your head, and is always looking for opportunities to tear your down, doesn’t actually mean that you don’t love yourself. I know it might sound totally crazy, but all those nasty, negative thoughts that you have about yourself, and all the self-destructive behaviours you engage in to deal with them aren’t necessarily signs of self-hatred. In fact, you almost definitely do care for yourself, you've just been taught not to see it that way.

Why it Feels Hard to Love Yourself

I wrote this post to answer a question one of my clients had, which I know a lot of you are grappling with - “Why don't I love myself?” This is a complex issue, so I’m going to break down why this misunderstanding of our feelings about ourselves is so common, and explain why thoughts and behaviours that look like self-hatred on the surface aren't necessarily evidence of a lack of love or care for yourself. So buckle in and let’s get into it!

Psychology Has Been Wrong About Self-Love

First we need to lay some groundwork, and that means we’re going to travel back in time to the psychology land of yesterday. How far back do we need to go? Honestly, it doesn’t even frickin’ matter. You wanna start with Freud? Sure, let’s start there. What did Freud say? “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar?” Sure it is, buddy. But what did Freud say about psychological disorder and so-called self-destructive behaviour? He said that they stemmed from a sub-conscious desire to die, which motivates self-destructive behaviours. Well that doesn’t sound very self-loving!

Let’s jump ahead a little. How about Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy? He said that self-destructive behaviors stem from deeply ingrained negative core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and negative automatic thoughts. So that fits pretty snug with the idea that self-destructive actions are an expression of genuine hate for yourself. This isn’t looking good, and I’m deeply concerned.

Ok, let’s modernize things a little. How about Mary Ainsworth, Queen of Attachment Theory? She said that internalized negative beliefs lead to actions that reflect those beliefs, including self-destructive behaviors.

These 3 quick examples of psychological theory throughout the ages show us that there’s a longstanding tradition of assuming that individuals really get on board the self-hate train and ride that sucker all the way to self-destruction town. By no means am I saying that these prominent thinkers in the field of psychology are trash, whose books should be burned and whose contributions are without value, but they make an assumption that I believe is out of pocket. By framing negative thoughts about oneself as “beliefs”, they imply that we actively subscribe to them. Thoughts and beliefs are not the same thing, and while it’s definitely true that people can internalize negative messages about themselves, we easily overlook a super important fact about our responses to these negative ideas.

What Our Feelings Tell Us About Self-Love

Let’s say you’re watching a show or reading a book and something good happens to a character you like. How do you feel? Good, right?

Ok, how about if something bad happens to that same beloved character? Devastating.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

Ok, now you’re the character. How does it feel when someone says or does something kind, or complements you? Once again, you’ve got to admit that it feels good.

And if they put you down or make you feel less-than? Not great. Got it.

Ok, now last question: That person putting you down no longer lives in the physical world; they got themselves an executive 2-bedroom condo in your head. Now their messages are mainlined straight to your brain. How does it feel? F*ck!ng horrible! I know, right?

We feel bad when we think negative thoughts about ourselves because at the end of the day, we care about ourselves, just like we root for our favourite characters. We feel good feelings when good things happen to those we care about, and we feel bad feelings when bad things happen to them. As an aside, we also feel good feelings when bad things happen to those we truly hate. Like remember when Joffrey got his little ass poisoned on Game of Thrones, or when that dude who cut off that other dude’s ding dong and called him Reak got fed to his own dogs? You were doing the happy dance when those things happened, weren’t you?

But enough about epic TV shows, let’s talk science for a minute. What even are friggin’ human beings? Well, among many other things, we’re organisms. We may be highly evolved and super complex, but we’re ultimately no different than any other life form on Earth, in the sense that we’re wired to avoid adversity. Anyone who’s ever been a dick to ants, or spiders, or frogs, or chickens knows that they don’t put up with shit. They will do their best to get away from you if you’re not treating them right. This may not be the popular opinion in psychology land, which has a long history of propping up the idea that people really get on board with things that are bad for them, but there are a small handful of folks in the field who recognize that we actually do demonstrate care for ourselves despite the presence of those assholes and negative messages that live inside our heads.

Allan Wade is one person whose ideas have inspired us to see these things differently. He talks about resistance, which he defines as any behaviour or act where a person attempts to expose, withstand, repel, stop, prevent, abstain from, strive against, impede, refuse to comply with, or oppose any form of adversity. I know that’s a mouthful, and is super broad, but the point is that resistance can take many forms, including big actions, small actions, and even private thoughts. His idea is that people are never passive when facing bad experiences, and resistance is always present whenever there is adversity. If you think about it, it’s kinda weird that this isn’t the most popular way of looking at human struggles, because it totally fits with the fact that living things aim to sustain themselves and minimize suffering. Human beings should be no exception to this.

Explaining “Self-Hatred” and “Self-Destructive Behaviour”

That may all sound lovely, but then why the heck do we think bad things about ourselves and do things that hurt ourselves if we care so much about ourselves? Fair question!

It sucks thinking negative thoughts about yourself. And while there may be reasons that you do that that are very personal and unique to you, there are typically two reasons why we do this:

1. First of all, you have a working memory and have internalized those messages based on your experience of living in the world. We remember stuff, and we have a tendency to remember bad stuff more than good stuff. Like remember that time in your late 20’s when you felt too lazy to clean your kitchen so you put all your dirty dishes and containers in the oven, but then you got high and got a craving for pizza pockets, so you turned on the oven and all the plastic things melted? You remember that no problem, but what about all the times you pulled michelin star quality meals out of that hot boy?

2. The second reason is that we remember negative messages because they help us avoid social or interpersonal adversity, like judgment, rejection, and exclusion. If you think, “I’m such a loser and I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably going to avoid other people and situations where your shortcomings are on display, just like you’re likely to take a pass on an evening of live comedy featuring the hilarious and not at all sad Rob Schneider because you know you lose control of your bladder when you get the giggles. I’m not sitting here saying, “So aren’t these negative thoughts super great and helpful?!” because I know they’re no one’s idea of a good time, but they do play a surprising role in self-preservation. For more on this, watch our video that takes a deep dive into your inner critic.

Ok, I know it’s not 2017 anymore, I swear to god! But thinking back to that time Joffrey got his bitch-made ass poisoned, you know you went to sleep that night with a shit eating grin on your face because you were so happy to get a taste of sweet, sweet justice. What does that say about your sentiments toward that little bastard? I mean, it says that you hated his little ass because he was such an insufferable little prick! As far as all this self-hatred business is concerned, our feelings tell us a lot about where we stand on things, and if you feel bad when you think about all the supposed ways you’re trash, that’s a strong indication of how you really feel. It’s like what I said before about how we feel when good things or bad things happen to characters we root for. It’s one thing to think, “I suck and I’m a waste of space”, it’s another thing to get bummed out about that idea. You feeling bummed out shows you’re not here for that. If you were, wouldn’t you feel good that a bad thing is being said about such a loathsome individual? Really, the fact that you think negative thoughts about yourself is way less remarkable than the fact that you feel shitty when you think those thoughts. Those shitty feelings are actually an indication that you care about yourself and how you’re treated.

How about self-destructive behaviours? Surely those are irrefutable evidence of your undeniable self-loathing? Not so fast, junior! Even those bad habits that you know don’t really help your situation, like excessive drinking or substance use, binge eating, overspending, gambling, or unhealthy sexual behaviours serve a purpose that is surprisingly life-affirming. The suffering we experience around doing those things is really a bug, not a feature. In other words, they make us feel shitty because they’re not good for us, but we don’t do them to feel shitty, we do them to escape feeling shitty on an emotional level. All those behaviours I just mentioned are common forms of escape from really uncomfortable feelings. This totally fits with Allan Wade’s theory, that we resist suffering. Sometimes that resistance isn’t perfect. Sometimes it even creates ot her problems for us, but it’s resistance and an act of care for ourselves nonetheless. And to take this to an extreme, even those who think about suicide generally do so because it’s the least bad option that they can think of at the moment, or it’s a way of ending their suffering. And that’s not to say that that’s fine or not a big deal, but that that ideation and behaviour that is so often misunderstood as stemming from self-hatred actually comes from a longing to escape emotional pain, which is more pro-you than anti-you.

Ok, that all got a bit heavy, but this is some real shit. If you need to shake off some heaviness, stand up, move your body, and let us know in the comments whether you like kittens or bunnies more.

Now, it’s totally valid to see self-destructive behaviours as problematic because they cause suffering and carry with them a bunch of consequences that aren't ideal. You may try to convince yourself otherwise, but at the end of the day you know that you can’t really justify getting white girl wasted everyday just because you’re wearing your “It’s wine o’clock” tee shirt. Every. Single. Day. But it’s important to look at these behaviours in context and understand what they’re in response to. What I really want you to understand is that so-called self-hatred and self-destructive behaviours generally come from a place that is surprisingly self-caring, because they stem from the innate drive to resist adversity. Nonetheless, if drinking to excess, or stressing out over gambling debts, or feeling like crap after eating too much are getting old, it’s a great idea to work on replacing those behaviours with others that serve you better. Healthier responses to shitty feelings are probably more likely to actually help address the issues behind those emotions, and give you fewer things to feel bad about in your life. Life is hard enough. You don’t need more shame over how horribly you’ve dealt with things bringing you down further.

Dealing With Self-Hating Thoughts Effectively

So, the next time your inner critic is coming in loud and clear, consider that this doesn’t actually mean that you hate yourself. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you’re down with it, and your emotional response to those thoughts tells you all you need to know about how down with them you are. As for self-destructive behaviours, you can think of them as well-meaning but misguided. They’re the things we do to get immediate relief from hard feelings, but they also cause other problems that make them questionable options. One simple strategy to deal with the negative self-talk is to notice it when it’s happening, name it, like “Oh, there’s my inner critic again”, and respond to it, like, “It’s not helpful to think of myself like that”. Then, when it comes to changing self-destructive behaviours, notice your urge to do something regrettable, take a moment to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that that doesn’t actually help and you don’t need more things to feel shitty about. Then do something that’s more likely to address the feeling you’re having better, like opening up to a supportive person in your life, writing in your journal, or going for a run.

How Conflict Avoidance Quietly Kills Your Relationship

What conflict avoidance looks like

Ok everybody, I want you to raise your hand if you’ve ever proclaimed that for your next birthday, all you really want is some gnarly conflict with your partner! Now let’s see here, how many hands do I see in the air…none!? I’m shocked!

I know conflict is nobody’s favourite pastime, especially with their better half. And why? Because it makes you feel all the feelings that aren’t any fun at all, and it leads to the most frustrating arguments that seem impossible to resolve. Why on earth would you run head first into that bullsh!t? So when your partner does something that hurts your feelings or irritates the sh!t out of you, you find ways to tune out the emotion and dodge the conflict like a ninja.

Maybe you pick up your phone and start scrolling, dive back into our videogame, have a glass of wine, or take a massive hit from that ice bong. After all, your feelings are probably just stupid or wrong, and bringing issues up with your better half will only cause problems, because it’s not like you’re fighting right now.

Maybe you've tried to address it with your partner before and they were defensive or invalidating. Maybe they dismissed you and left you feeling insecure in the relationship. Or worse, started raging at you for daring to express a little frustration.

Whatever your experience has been, you’ve got your reasons to avoid talking about your difficult feelings. And we get it, who wants a fight every time they’re a little irked or frustrated in their relationship?!

But then you start to figure out that your avoidance strategy isn’t the life hack you wish it was. You may not be fighting, but there’s this tension that you just can’t shake. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells and all your interactions are weird and awkward, and you’re getting mad and having stupid fights about things that really don’t seem like a big deal on the surface.

So is the avoidance worth it? I think we both know the answer to that question, and I’m going to explain how and why conflict avoidance actually leads to more fighting. I’ve also got some therapist-approved strategies to avoid those stupid fights, and if you read until the end I’ll tell you how to get your hands on our exclusive cheat sheet to help you face conflict in your relationship fearlessly.

How I learned that conflict avoidance doesn’t work

Not to brag, but I used to be the queen of avoidance. Any time I had a difficult feeling, especially in a relationship, I would do everything in my power to stuff it down into that overcrowded cavern we stick our feelings in. And it wasn't until I was in a relationship with Will that I came to realize that suppressing my feelings wasn't working all that well for me. I can remember the exact moment when I truly had to confront my way of communicating. We were doing our regular grocery shop and I cannot remember for the life of me why I was upset with Will, but I was. And so I did what I always did up to that point: I went silent. And I was so, so, soooo good at the silent treatment that Will finally had enough. He made it clear that if I was unwilling to be forthcoming about how I was feeling and express it to him, that he wasn't going to be able to continue in the relationship with me.

I was terrified. I valued our relationship so deeply, in no way did I want to be hurting him or punishing him with silence, but I felt frozen in those moments. It almost felt like it was impossible for me to speak because the fear was so intense. Fear that I wouldn't be understood, fear that my feelings were stupid and that I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with, fear that my feelings would push Will away and ruin our relationship. But ironically, that’s also what avoidance was doing. While I was experiencing this fear, I also knew that I had to challenge myself to do things differently because avoidance was causing way bigger issues than the initial problem itself. Like a baby deer learning to walk, I very slowly, and with a lil trepidation, I began to express my feelings. Will was amazingly patient with me and was an incredible listener. He helped me to see that my feelings were actually valid and that it made sense why I was upset about whatever it was I was upset with - even if it was about him.

This was a massive turning point for me and our relationship. Over the past 10 years I’ve worked really hard at facing conflict like a warrior queen, and guess what? I’ve made conflict my bitch. By no means is it something I do for fun, but I recognize that it can actually be a safe, healthy, and productive process that makes things better in my life.

I want you to hear this piece - learning to be able to express my hard ass feelings has been one of the most freeing, empowering changes I’ve made in my life. And I’m not a unicorn. The exact same thing is true about the clients we’ve helped learn to stop avoiding conflict and start facing it with constructive courage.

How to stop avoiding conflict with your partner

Ok, so talking takes work, and if your lives are anything like ours, the last thing you have is energy in the tank for more goddamn work.

It would be so nice if you could put your relationship on autopilot and cruise through life without any bumps or detours while keeping the love bubble that started on your first date fully inflated. But if you're watching this right now, you’ve probably already figured out that the less open you are about the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more disconnected you feel in your relationship. And disconnection feels really, really shitty. This is where you start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s just depressing. And if that isn’t the kicker, it’s not like you actually successfully avoid conflict while carrying on like this. You exist in a state of tension until someone gets fed up with something and loses their shit, and then you go at each other like two rabid hyenas. It’s not a pretty sight.

How conflict avoidance keeps problems unresolved

Be real with your girl for a minute: what do you think is easier, doing the work now and having some tough, but important conversations to work through your issues, or letting things fester until it feels like there’s not a single square inch of floor space covered with eggshells? If you said, “The first one”, you would be right. One big reason why conflict avoidance doesn’t work is because it leaves you with a way bigger, nastier mess to clean up later.

If you really want to understand something, do you tend to want more or less information on the subject? What a stupid, cheeky question that is, of course you want more information, because more information leads to a better understanding. The inverse is also true: having less information leads to a worse understanding, or dare I say, mis-understanding.

Your relationship and the stuff you have conflict about is no exception to this. And guess what rare and unexpected gift conflict offers you: the opportunity to gather useful information that could very well help resolve a fight - or even prevent future ones! Think of conflict as the process of working through a problem, and when you avoid it, you close the door to that opportunity. This leaves you stuck with assumptions that are probably not super warm and fuzzy toward your better half, and probably not entirely accurate. So if you like feeling stuck, resentful and perpetually a lil to a lot angry, avoiding conflict is a super effective way of keeping you there.

How conflict avoidance hurts your romantic connection

I could probably rattle off 100 more reasons why avoiding conflict screws over your relationship, but the last big one we’re going to cover in this video is the fact that it murders your connection. If you think of the problems in your relationship like junk, and conflict as the process of cleaning that shit up, the more you avoid dealing with issues, the more shit piles up. That shit takes up space, and over time it ends up displacing the good in your relationship, like feelings of fondness and care for one another (or hot, sexy attraction). This leaves you with a pile of stank ass resentment a mile high, and like I said earlier, that’s adding crap to the original issue, making it that much harder to work through.

Now here’s another cheeky little question for you: when you’re carrying around resentment, do you think that makes you more chill and easy going or more of a snapcase? If you guessed option B, you’re a goddamn genius! There’s a direct pipeline that runs from conflict avoidance, to resentment, to freaking out over small stuff because you feel so fucking pissed off inside all the time. Want to break free from that miserable cycle? There’s only one way: You both need to be willing to put it all on the table in a healthy, constructive way, and work through your shit.

If you’re sitting there like, “Throw us a bone, Laura! How the hell do we actually do that without the conversation devolving into a dumpster fire?” We got you! Check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples. Starting with the basics of healthy communication, Will and I walk you through everything you need to deal with conflict like pros, and nothing that you don’t.

I know conflict is hard and totally not fun, but a tense, mediocre relationship is worse. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong!

How to Stop Explosive Fights When You Feel Triggered

Why couples have explosive fights

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with.

With all the busy crap you have to deal with, you’re already permanently exhausted. And because apparently there’s no time to recover, you keep going, taking care of business.

And that’s when you stumble upon something infuriating. Maybe it’s a coffee mug in the bathroom, maybe it’s workout clothes left beside the laundry hamper (not in it), maybe it’s your whole ass house looking like it was ransacked by toddlers. You’re feeling both discouraged and pissed because you’ve talked to your better half about this very issue more times than you can count, and now your blood is fully boiling and you just want to rage!

I’m going to walk you through exactly what you need to do to be able to deal with these hard ass feelings constructively, so you don't lose your shit and end up with another dumpster fire fight that ends with someone sleeping on the couch or packing their bags.

The role of frustration in explosive fights for couples

There are countless ways Will and I drive each other crazy. Just imagine trying to run 2 businesses with your husband, and discovering that you have completely different work ethics and ways of thinking. Nightmare.

Then there's parenting differences on top of that. Even though we share values when it comes to raising our girls, we were raised differently and don't share a brain, so we can easily be pissed off by the different calls the other makes. And even though we can find ourselves wanting to claw eachothers eyes out or hurl offensive insults at one another, we know that blowing up at each other would only ruin our lives further and risk the health of our relationship.

This actually just happened to me last week. It was another annoying pro-d day, so the girls were at home all day and Will was on parenting duty. Before the day even started, I was stressed about the cost of Will taking the morning off work, and mom guilt for not being with them for the day. After I finished seeing clients, I walked into the house expecting it to be relatively tidy as Will and I tend to be on the same page about that. I come to find the house in a complete disaster - toys everywhere, dishes and old food out - and now Will is heading straight out to see clients! So guess whose plate all that bullshit lands on? Lucky me! At that moment I was FRUSTRATED as hell, and felt like he left this responsibility for me to deal with since he'll be out of the house until the girls go to bed. Internally I wanted to explode and tell him how pissed I was at him.

The role of emotional dysregulationin explosive fights

When you are maxed out busy and overwhelmed, it can feel next to impossible to stop and take notice of how you are actually feeling without burning the entire world to the ground. It’s like you’re running on autopilot, not necessarily super aware of your emotions and how things might be building up for you. I mean, you know you’re pissed, but you may not have a full grasp of why you feel that way. Like, is it because you feel disrespected, not valued, or not considered? The lack of awareness you have in times like this can play a big role in why you blow up at your partner when frustrated or angry.

To deal with this, we recommend you act like a snail and slow the heck down so you can identify how you’re actually feeling when big, nasty emotions knock on your door. The way I do this is by acknowledging what I’m experiencing. Like, “I’m fucking frustrated right now”. Then I lean in a little more and ask myself “why”. I want to understand my feelings on a deeper level than what’s obvious on the surface. It’s obviously shitty for your partner to leave a big mess for you to clean up, but what about this is particularly upsetting for you? This is a crucial step if you want to express and deal with your feelings constructively, rather than just taking them for a ride to that familiar place you know will only make things worse.

How to stay emotionally regulated in fights with your partner

It’s not just hard to be aware of how you actually feel and why in a moment of rage, simply not behaving like a piece of shit can feel beyond difficult. Have you ever tried to not be a shitty parent while feeling mad? It’s hard and it sucks! Or feeling stressed out while trying to meet a tight deadline at work when you're in your probation period? It's like juggling 10 running chainsaws at the same time.

But no joke, I guarantee any terrible fight you’ve ever had with your better half has involved emotional dysregulation, which is a clever clogs way of saying “losing your shit”. To keep your shit together, or stay emotionally regulated, y’all gotta breathe, y’all gotta want to keep from losing your shit, and y’all gotta do things that help you stay reasonably cool.

And when I say “reasonably cool”, I mean just that. You don’t have to sound like mother goose when you just want to grab your boo and shake them, but make it your goal to be decent. As far as your breathing is concerned, I know this might sound so basic, like what you might try to teach your 4 year old, but breathing is one of the few ways we can keep ourselves from emotionally going off the rails. For real, I dare you right now to take one big deep breath, in through your nose for 4 seconds, and out through your mouth, and let us know in the comments how different you feel. Sure, it may not feel like you’ve just taken an edible, but you’re probably 1 teeny tiny degree calmer than you were before you took that breath.

If you can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, you can make it your business to stay focused on your breath while approaching a hard conversation. Then, as far as wanting to stay emotionally regulated is concerned, that’s really a mindset thing. The fact of the matter is, if you set your mind to something, you’re way more likely to achieve it than if you don’t. There’s a sick, twisted part of everyone that just wants to flail when we feel upset, and if we don’t keep that in check, we’re likely to do just that. And to be real, that sick twisted part is just our human nature. As soon as we're feeling ramped up, our body is fully prepped for danger. So you need to teach your body that it ain't in danger! So tell yourself, “I’m gonna keep my shit together”, and it’s far more likely that you actually will.

And lastly, do things that keep you calm and grounded. Splash water on your face, pour yourself a cup of tea, or imagine that you're on the Bachelor. You don’t want to lose your shit on National TV and be forever known as a snapcase! Just do whatever helps you be your best self in these challenging moments.

The steps to avoiding explosive fights with your partner

Ok, so you’re mad, but you’re doing a good job of keeping yourself reasonably calm. You’re aware of how you feel, you understand why you feel that way, and you haven’t lost your shit. Believe it or not, none of this is an accident, you’re doing it all on purpose. Pat yourself on the back!

Now you have a very important question to answer: Do you say anything to your better half or do you zip it and keep that frustration in your noggin? Here’s where a cost/benefit analysis comes in handy. There are a whole host of reasons why you may feel like not expressing your frustration: Fear of conflict, fear of being a nag, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining a peaceful moment, or even fear of ruining your relationship as a whole.

There’s also the possibility that you’re feeling frustrated about something that’s not entirely fair, like maybe your partner made dinner and put the kids to bed, and you’re left cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy some TV time. It’s annoying that you have to be tidying up the house when you’d much rather be relaxing too, but maybe it’s not entirely fair to expect them to help in that scenario.

Then of course there are reasons why it’s good to speak up when you decide it’s fair: Bottling up your feelings is like leaving leftovers in the fridge for weeks or months on end. You’re going to end up with some nasty, stank ass resentment; you can’t expect a problem to improve if you don’t deal with it; and harbouring frustrations creates disconnection. And distance and disconnect probably aren’t things you put on your relationship vision board.

So weigh the costs and benefits, and if you decide that talking about it really is the best option, then approach your partner in a thoughtful, intentional way, and be honest but respectful. Let’s say you’re pissed about the state of the house, it’s not going to work out so well to say “How dare you leave the house like this, you lazy son of a bitch?!” Instead, take a breath and say “Honey, I’m really annoyed with how messy the house was when I came in from work, and that I had to put it all back together. Can you please make more of an effort to keep that from happening in the future?” With this, you’re acknowledging your feelings, you’re being open and honest with your better half, and you’re addressing the issue, all without losing your shit and setting the dumpster on fire.

Expressing concerns and frustrations without losing your shit may not be easy, but you got this! It’s a skill, and just like anything else you’re good at, it takes practice! Talk to your better half about how you can both support one another in dealing with frustration and anger more constructively, and make it your mission to deal with those feelings without making matters worse.

We’re rooting for you, and if you’re a busy couple who’s sick and tired of having frustrating fights that go nowhere, check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples, where we guide you through absolutely everything you need to do to stop fighting and feel more connected and fulfilled in your relationship.

Overcome your Inner Critic with this Super Helpful Tool

Turn down the volume on your inner critic

If it feels like you can't do anything without some critical voice in your head chirping about how you’re probably gonna screw up, or embarrass yourself, or ruin everything and be doomed to a life of misery and loneliness, it’s a safe bet that you’re probably over it.

And who can blame you? If that critical voice were a real person following you around, you probably would have called the police or stuffed them in a dumpster by now, but that’s hard to do with something that lives inside your head.

Well fear not, because by the end of this post you will have levelled up your understanding of what the heck that critical voice is, where it comes from, and how you can turn down its volume so you stop feeling like shit all the time.

Why you have an inner critical voice

It’s super easy to take this for granted, but have you ever noticed how most of the conversations you have in a day actually take place in your own head? If you stop and pay attention, you’ll notice that you’re constantly chatting with someone in your mind, sometimes with yourself, sometimes with one of the thousands of people you’ve cloned and internalized, but always with someone inside. And no, you’re not crazy! This is totally normal.

A lot of those conversations may be neutral, but some of them are not so nice, and they tend to stick out like a sore thumb.

Your inner critic draws your attention to the things you’re sensitive or insecure about, particularly things that you’re scared people will judge your ass for. All of this understandably makes you feel stressed out, anxious, hopeless, or depressed.

Now, you’re probably thinking that the very existence of your inner critic is totally f’ed up and dysfunctional, like your brain wasn’t wired right in the factory. This may be an unpopular opinion, but the fact that you have an inner critic isn’t exactly a bad thing. Even though that critical voice doesn’t exactly make for a fun time, it does serve an adaptive purpose, which we’ll get into. But first, it’s story time.

So, I used to truly believe that I hated myself. Puberty hit me hard. I remember scribbling away in my diary in grade 5 boasting about how I was the most popular girl in my class (I wasn't) and was so so cool. Fast forward only one year later and it was the complete opposite. “Dear Diary, I hate myself so much. I am so ugly and fat and disgusting and no one likes me”. I wrestled with this nasty, mean voice for almost 20 years. And I tried everything - all the self help books, all the hypnosis, all the CBT, all the positive affirmations. And it would work, sort of, for a short period of time. Fake-it-til-you-make-it wind in my sails. But that nasty critical voice with all its hurtful words would always sneak back in and make me believe that I was the worst human being alive. And this voice had a lot of evidence to prove that I wasn't worthy of love - from myself or anyone else. I was single, I was broke, I was chubby, I engaged in binge eating and spending money I didn't have, I escaped with a cocktail of weed, food, wine and my favourite tv shows. Then I felt like even more of a loser for relying on those things. A lot of people might think the way I overcame this was by changing the behaviours and proving to myself that I was worthy of loving myself. But it actually wasn’t. Through helpful conversations and learning more about the human condition, I came to realize that I wasn't broken and that I didn’t need to be fixed, but that I had found very creative ways to survive and resist feelings of insecurity and fear. And that's exactly what we’re here to teach you how to do too!

Making sense of your inner critic through evolutionary psychology

Ok, so let’s get back to the crazy idea that the critical voice that lives in your head isn't actually the enemy. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s actually there to protect you.

To make sense of this, we need to look back in time about 100 thousand years. Back when we used to live in caves and didn't have the security of modern day life, with running water, electricity, and grocery stores, it was imperative for us to get along and work together to get our next meal and fight off whatever animals wanted to make us their next meal. Because of this very primitive need to belong to a group, we developed an innate fear of rejection and exclusion.

Why? Because if we got kicked out of the group, we dead. And I mean real dead. And whether or not we belonged depended on how closely we lived up to the group's rules and ideas of what it means to be a decent cave person. So if the group rule is that everyone takes one serving of woolly mammoth before going back for seconds, and Fiona gets cocky and grabs two meaty mammoth ribs, you better believe it’s over for her. And those sabre tooth kitties are going to be feasting on Fiona's succulent bones with the quickness. Okay, that got a little dark. This is where the social anxiety and feelings of insecurity make total sense. Clearly our species has not lost that instinct for inclusion. This survival instinct fits hand in glove with human insecurity, which set the stage for the critical voice. If Fiona felt insecure and afraid of getting rejected, she would feel on alert and have that little voice saying “don't be bad, don't be greedy, don't go for seconds, Janet and Janice would rat you out and then you dead, girl.

The critical voice is a response to and representation of our fear and insecurity, and parrots the values and rules of the group. Today, the list of rules and expectations can seem endless. That's why it can feel like we fully hate ourselves. Because we can't actually be everything that our society expects of us. We gotta be wealthy, have just the right body, be educated, have a well respected job, own a home, have two cars, two kids, and go on vacation multiple times a year. And on top of all of that we have to be fucking confident!

All of that is to say that we are vulnerable to judgment, exclusion, and rejection, and there’s a long list of ways we can be judged, excluded, and rejected. Your critical voice is like your radar for the things you are aware of that could end with you being seen by others in a bad light.

How to silence your inner critic

I’m going to give you a strategy that’s not only helped me, but tons of my own clients in therapy over the years. Like so many problems in life, you need to start with awareness and challenge yourself to notice your critical voice when it pops into your head. I know, I know, this is likely the last thing you want to do. It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge and engage with that voice. It's in our nature to want to avoid anything that feels shitty, so you're probably pretty good at finding ways to distract yourself from really facing your critical voice.

Despite not wanting to engage, the first step in changing your relationship to your critical voice is to notice it and name it. When an unkind thought crosses your mind, acknowledge to yourself, “that bitch right there, that’s my critical voice”.

Why do this? First, it allows you to have more of an arm’s length relationship with your inner critic, rather than feeling consumed by it and responding reactively.

Secondly, it’s an acknowledgment that although it’s a thought that you’re having, you don’t have to agree with it. We’re taught all sorts of nonsense over the course of our lives, and it’s not like we just erase old, outdated perspectives and beliefs from our memories when we form new ones that we prefer. We intentionally choose to disregard them.

Take prejudice for example. A lot of people learn some sort of prejudiced or discriminatory ideas while growing up, and then hopefully arrive at the conclusion that they’re stupid and whack as they get older. You may very well still have prejudiced or discriminatory thoughts cross your mind because you've been taught to think that way, but you become able to privately respond to them like, “Nah, that’s not cool”. The same is true of your critical voice. Just because you're thinking something doesn’t mean you’re down with it.

After acknowledging the presence of your critical voice, it can also be helpful to remember the fact that as a human being, you have an evolutionary need to belong, and that even though it’s not super obvious, the fear you feel around rejection or exclusion comes from a place of care for yourself. Remember: fear of rejection and judgment, and feelings of insecurity are normal. They are there to protect us so we don't die on this crazy, dangerous planet. And while they may be normal and understandable because we're human, the messaging that can go along with them is likely not totally fair or accurate.

If you do the first step, then you’re well on your way to the second, which is all about emotional regulation. A common reason why the critical voice is often a problem for people is because they deal with it through avoidance, and that avoidant behaviour creates other problems in their life, that just gives the critical voice more ammo. Among the most effective and destructive avoidance strategies are addictions to things like alcohol and other substances, gambling, shopping, or even food. Insecurity and fear feels bad, so we do things to feel good. Unfortunately, despite your best intentions to protect yourself from hard feelings, numbing out your critical voice means you fail to deal with it, and you become dependent on things to regulate your emotions, which only compounds the problem and makes you feel even shittier about yourself.

We’re all about self-empowerment, and so even though it’s harder in most ways, we strongly encourage you to face your hard feelings, to build trust that you ain't going to die from feeling them. For example, if your critical voice is saying “You're an idiot, you can’t do anything right, and no one is ever going to like you, let alone love you”, take a deep breath and do something to bring you back to the present moment. What can you see in front of you? What can you feel? What can you hear?

Tools to silence your inner critic

When you're feeling emotionally clear enough to think, it’s time to explore why your critical voice is showing up when it is. If you’re a pen and paper kind of person, grab a journal and flesh out the who, what, where, when, and why of the situation. You’ll find a reflection exercise in the description down below, but for now, some questions worth answering are, what happened, and specifically, what the heck were you doing before your critical voice piped up? What was it about that particular situation that makes sense for your critical voice to make an appearance? Keep in mind all of the daft rules and expectations our society has for us, and how they are likely part of the equation. Like maybe you struggle with the expectation that you need to come across as über successful in order to have any worth as a person. You can ask, are there any particular insecurities or fears that tie in to the message of your critical voice? For example, if you have an insecurity around success, even small, everyday mistakes, like spilling your coffee, can have your inner critic all like, “You idiot! How are you ever going to make something of yourself if you can’t even keep from spilling a cup o’ Joe?!”. If its goal is to protect you from shame or embarrassment or rejection, what could be shameful or embarrassing about what you were doing?

This is also when empathy and emotional validation for yourself is your BFF. If it's too hard to provide this to yourself, because your critical voice doesn’t make it easy, imagine a friend experiencing something similar and how you would feel for them. Why is it understandable for you (or them) to feel insecure or fearful of rejection? Why does it make sense to be critical about this particular subject? Are there any experiences you’ve had that have taught you to be on high alert for times like this?

What we’re basically encouraging by laying out this approach to dealing with your critical voice is a radically different way of handling insecurity. Because running away from it, creating a facade to conceal it, or living life on defensive mode don’t work. In fact, they usually make your insecure feelings and the prevalence of your critical voice worse. Instead, mindfully acknowledging the presence of your critical voice and reminding yourself that it exists to help you avoid the pitfalls of social alienation can help make it feel less distressing when it shows up.

The final step is to then assert your own preferred, more fair and realistic message over the one that your critical voice carries. Let’s say, like me, your critical voice says “you look fat today” and I feel insecure and shameful hearing this message. Part of me would love to escape feeling this way because it fucking suuuuucks to have these feelings. But because I’ve trained my emotional muscles, I would then acknowledge to myself, “I feel insecure right now and it’s showing up with this old story that I should feel ashamed of my body because I’m not a size 0, and society celebrates and values this body type more than mine. And I don’t agree with society’s rule that in order to have value as a human being, a body has to be a certain size. I’m having this hard feeling, but I don’t agree with it.” And I can then focus my attention on how to nurture or care for myself while this feeling is here, and trust that it will eventually ease.

Because you don’t need a Darwin Award on your mantle, remember that fear and insecurity are there to help keep you alive! These feelings have been part of our species’ survival, so we cannot expect ourselves to think our way out of having them. Instead, we have to accept that fear and insecurity are part of our human experience, and it's all about dealing with them effectively.

Even though it may sound ass backwards, the idea that your critical voice is there to help you survive makes sense. By following the steps we laid in this video, you can expect that the intensity of your critical voice will decrease over time. By mindfully holding your critical voice at arm’s length and remembering its purpose, you can feel less distressed and discouraged when it pipes up.

Break Free From Guilt: The Surprising Secret To Letting Go

What does guilt feel like?

Ever feel like crawling out of your skin from the ick of guilt?

It’s a feeling you may know all too well. You’re out there, living your life, minding your own business, when BAM, you’re reminded of something you said or did that makes you want to just crawl into a hole and never come out.

And then the spiral begins.

“Why did I do that?” ”How will people judge me for this?” “Does this mean that I’m a bad person?”

Now, not only do you want to crawl into a hole, you feel like you could die in it too because you’re totally crippled by anxiety and guilt.

In this post, I'm here to help you learn how to get to the root of your feelings of guilt so that you can finally feel cool as a cucumber.

What does it mean to feel guilty?

What even is guilt? Guilt is that awful, icky emotion that we experience when we do things that we fear are bad or wrong. It’s kind of like when you ask your phone for directions and then think, “I know better than a daft computer!” and you start going wherever the hell you want. But then Siri’s like, “Hey dumb dumb, I said go straight! Why’d you go down this stupid street? Turn right!” because she wants you to get back on course.

Guilt is there to tell you that your actions are out of line with your morals or values and it wants to bring you back on track. Sometimes it’s for reasons that are totally valid and relatable, sometimes it’s for reasons that are kinda weird and don’t make total sense.

Now, this might sound weird, but even though guilt can feel really f*#@!ng terrible, it isn’t actually a bad feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it feels bad, but like all feelings, guilt serves a purpose. It’s there to help us remember not to make the same mistake twice…or 3 times…or maybe 6. It’s not like I would know!

You could think about it like your physical pain receptors: If you put your hand on a hot stove, it’s going to hurt, which (hopefully) discourages you from doing it again. You think, “Hmmm, that wasn’t fun. I need to rethink my relationship with hot stoves”. Guilt works in a similar way, just on an emotional level.

Because feeling f*#@!ng terrible sucks, guilt is there to teach us not to do things that threaten or hurt our relationships or our social standing. It’s like when you eat most of your kids’ Halloween candy and then see their sad little faces and lie to them and tell them that it was probably a rat that got into the house that loves candy, and it’s hiding it away in its little rat nest, and then you feel terrible, so tell yourself, “I need to do better”…that’s guilt. We care about their little fee fees and therefore we feel bad for hurting them.

Why is some guilt hard to shake?

Like a lot of feelings, the intensity of guilt tends to fade with time. In most cases, we feel really bad about something we did shortly after doing it, but we make peace with the guilt by learning from the experience. In our heads, most of the time this sounds like,

Guilt: “You did something bad!”

You: “Yeah, I did, and I’ve learned from it and am trying not to do it again”

But we’re not really here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about that guilt that just won’t quit. That guilt that hangs on like a leech that just won’t f*#@!ng let go! And you want it to let go, and frankly, we want it to let go too!

So if you want guilt to just chill for once in its miserable life, we need to go a little deeper. You need to understand your beliefs about good and bad, and how this relates to fears you have around rejection. Like literally all other emotions, guilt comes from how we see or understand things. If you believe something is wrong or bad to do, you’re likely to feel guilt when you do it. On the other hand, if you perceive something as somehow positive, you’re pretty much guaranteed not to feel guilty.

Sex and guilt: an example

Sex is the perfect example of this. If you were raised in a religious household and learned that “doing the nasty” outside of marriage makes God feel like he just had to put his dog down, there’s a good chance that you’re feeling super guilty if you happen to get lucky. This guilt is often mixed with fear because you not only did something considered bad, you know that other people believe it's bad and can judge the shit out of you for it. And that judgment is scary because we do not want to be rejected and be condemned to hell. That fear is some basic animal instinct shit, because we are pack animals at the end of the day, and our survival once depended on belonging to the group. This is why guilt can ring such strong emotional alarm bells for us.

Guilt is a matter of perspective

How you see things goes hand in hand with how you feel, so if you want to manage a feeling like guilt, you need to look at how your beliefs contribute to it. Part of the process of doing that can involve unpacking how you came to hold the perspective you have.

This is where I’ll invite you to bust out your journal, grab your favourite pen, and pick something you have felt guilty about. It could literally be anything. Now answer the question:

“How did I learn that thing is wrong or bad?”

As best you can, flesh out the people and societal rules that have contributed to the formation of this perspective.

Now, the kind of guilt that causes seemingly endless torture is usually not just about the fact that you see something you've done as wrong - it’s about the meaning we make of having done that thing. What I mean is that the clincher tends to be what your actions say about the kind of person you are. As in, “Does having done this bad thing make me a bad person?”

Let’s go back to our sex example, and not just because I have a one track mind! So let’s say you have a hot and heavy sexcapade with another person you find hot, hot, hot. You don’t have any stupid shame because of how you were raised, and so you’re overall pretty pleased with yourself. If you were to ask yourself, “What does the fact that I did this say about me as a person?”, chances are you’d say, “It says I rule.”; “It says I’m attractive, desirable”; “It says I’m down for a good time”. All good things.

Now, on the other hand, let’s say it was drilled into your head that premarital sex is demon behaviour. People who carry on like that are sinners, and sinners go to Hell, and Hell suuuuucks. It’s hot and it smells like egg farts. You are a bad person. And bad people get kicked out of the group.

If you really believe that, or if you struggle to totally discount and disbelieve that idea, it’s going to be hard to not struggle with the kind of guilt that just won’t quit.

How to stop feeling guilty all the time

This may not be a popular opinion with everybody, but we believe that the meanings and abstract consequences that we associate with stuff are totally subjective. There’s no objective truth here, it’s pretty much all a matter of subjectivity. I like to think of these perspectives in terms of societal ideals and norms. As in, the standards that our society sets to define our value and worth, and whether we belong or ought to be excluded.

For example, we have the societal story that says that consensual sex between two individuals who are DTF is a great way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, versus the story that says that those two people are naughty biscotti who ought to be dipped in the hot, stinky rivers of Hell. Neither is objectively true, but one lends itself to making people feel really bad, while the other probably has the opposite effect.

Now it’s time to pick up that journal again and do a little reflecting on how you came to see that particular consequence for the thing you feel guilty about.

Ask yourself, “What does this story say about people who do the thing I feel guilty about?”, and “How does this explain my feelings about the thing I did?”, or simply, “How does this explain my guilt?”

Once you have a solid understanding of how you came upon the perspective that informs your stubborn feelings of guilt, and you understand that the story is both arbitrary and totally subjective, it’s time to go shopping! But before you get carried away and blow your whole paycheck on a baller Amazon order, you need to know what we’re shopping for. You are in the market for a new story. One that doesn’t make you feel like crap for dumb reasons.

You need a perspective that’s a little bit fairer and more considerate of the human condition, not one that holds you to unrealistic or totally unnecessary standards. Here’s where you get to be creative. For one last time, drag out that journal and reflect on the question, “How do I want to see this issue, and what are fair consequences for having done the thing I feel guilty about?”

Here’s a personal example: I’ve done plenty of things while stumbling my way through life that I regret deeply. I have acted against my ethical beliefs and have suffered with the bitter taste of guilt as a result. However, the story that I choose to listen to says that everybody screws up, and that learning from those mistakes is what really matters.

I generally don’t believe in the idea of good or bad people, and I believe that what counts is trying my best and learning from my mistakes. I want other people to like and accept me, and see me as valuable (because I’m human after all), but I also know that I can’t control how other people judge me, and if they think I suck, then so be it (yes it stings, but I can handle that feeling without it turning into a belief about myself).

Haters don’t define me or my worth, even if I experience fear that they do. I can’t change my past, but I can choose how I behave in the future. All of these principles are part of my belief system, and they hit the sweet spot between taking responsibility for my mistakes and allowing me to sleep at night without crippling anxiety over whether or not I’m a horrible person who deserves to be marooned on an island in the middle of the ocean.

Change your relationship to guilt

You’ve got enough bullshit to deal with in life. You don’t need unfair and unnecessary guilt making your life even worse. And we want to help you with that. Now, an important reminder here is that shifting your relationship with guilt takes practice! This isn't about expecting guilt to somehow vanish from your life. It’s about shifting how you respond to it. It's normal to feel guilty and worry that you’re a bad person. Your evolutionary human survival instincts are just trying to get you to control your behaviour so that you’re not ousted by your people.

What you need to do is take a beat after feeling it and question whether or not the guilt you feel is truly fair and based on a valid perspective that you agree with. From there, question whether you’re really doing anything wrong to deserve being branded as a bad person.

To help you shift your relationship with guilt, here’s a link to a totally free exercise to help you dial back the guilt and turn up the chill vibes.

How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

Transcript

We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.

If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re relationship counsellors in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

First and foremost, you might be wondering, what is defensiveness? Well, it’s simply the attempt to defend yourself against a perceived attack or threat. Defensiveness is often talked about as a problematic way to deal with conflict in relationships because of what that attempt to defend sounds and looks like. Most often when we refer to defensiveness, we are speaking to the tendency to attack or criticize back or shut down the conversation altogether. Responding with defensiveness can be a problem when it gets in the way of hearing the true intention behind the message and amplifying the misunderstanding or conflict by hurting the other person back. Who may then respond with defensiveness to your message, snowballing things until you find yourself in a nasty mess and unsure of how to resolve it.

Defensiveness can be unique to each person, and can be influenced by a whole host of factors. How we interpret that message can be influenced by the how the other person packages that message – the tone, the choice of words, body language, and the environment they choose to deliver that message in. For example, you may attribute greater meaning that the words conveyed when someone uses an aggressive tone of voice, is standing over you, and is doing so in front of a crowd of people. Someone could say the exact same words using a softer tone, with open body language, and in private, that leaves you with an entirely different interpretation of the message.

This goes to show that we use a whole host of intel to interpret messages, which is why it is so important to consider the full context of when and how defensiveness comes up for you.

Beyond how the other person delivers this message, the way in which you interpret it can also be influenced by what is happening for you presently. Things like your present mood, your energy levels, the amount of sleep you have, and what you’re focused on can all contribute to how you interpret what someone is saying to you. 

For example, I am 100% guilty of getting extremely hangry at times. You’ve heard this concept before – the brutal reality that some people experience when their blood sugar drops and their left in a terrible state of anger and hunger. When I forget to eat and find myself feeling this way, it is incredibly hard for me NOT to get defensive. Even though his intention behind a message may be one of sincere care and concern, and is delivered in a way that clearly suggests this intention, I can hear it as an attack. And given the state I’m in, it’s likely for me to be pretty nasty in response to this. Honestly, some of our worst fights have been in large part because of my unbridled hanger.

In addition to how your feeling in the present moment, how and what someone says to you can also be perceived as an attack depending on the meaning you make what is said. Perhaps it reminds you of something you have felt criticized for in the past, by the person giving the message or someone else entirely. Or it could touch on something that you feel sensitive about, and that you could potentially address in a constructive way to heal or work through that sensitivity.

I’m going to use a really silly example from my own relationship to highlight a sensitivity that I noticed coming up when Will has made comments about me burping. Now, I want to make one thing clear, Will DESPISES burping, he thinks it’s disgusting – even more disgusting than farting. And I have a love for fizzy drinks, which can lead to unintentional burping on my part. This is now even more problematic because I’m pregnant and have a harder time controlling it. 

In addition to this, I’ve also become more sensitive as to whether or not Will finds me as attractive because my body is changing so much. In no way has Will done anything to contribute to this sensitivity, and I truly didn’t even realize this was an issue for me until Will commented one night on my burping. Usually when he would call out how gross he finds it, I would tease him back or flippantly say sorry, and then let it go. We have a pretty open relationship where we don’t tend to take offense when we call out the gross things the other one does. 

But the other night I perceived it as criticism and became super defensive in response, arguing that he was incredibly mean and rude for saying anything given my pregnant condition. He was left a bit flabbergasted and responded with a bit of defensiveness back. And before we knew it, we had a big ol misunderstanding on our hands. It took me taking a step back and questioning why I was so offended by what he had said that I came to realize my sensitivity. In expressing the real reason for why I was offended by him, Will expressed that his comment in no way reflected his level of attraction or love for me. 

So, what can be done about defensiveness? One of the best ways to shift your relationship with defensiveness is to become aware of when and how it happens for you. First, make sense of it for yourself, and in that noticing you can hold that feeling while also assessing its validity.

Whenever defensiveness comes up for you, you have an opportunity to determine whether or not the person delivering the message truly intended to criticize or attack you. You can ask yourself, why did I interpret this as an attack or why do I feel offended? What did the other person say or do that had me responding with this feeling? In finding the answers to these questions you can then inform the person of your interpretation. This can be done without a critique of the person, but rather a clear, direct acknowledgment of why and how you came to feel the way that you did.

Pulling from the burp example, instead of criticizing Will for what he said, I could have responded by saying “When you said my burping was disgusting, I was hurt because it made me think you don’t find me attractive”

Of course, this is an ideal response, and one that may not arise in the very moment that the conversation is happening. However, even having this type of conversation well after the fact is useful because it offers you an opportunity to reflect, be curious, and be vulnerable in a way that can lead to greater understanding and trust between you two. It also requires a sense of emotional safety from your partner to provide you with the space to be truly vulnerable in this way.

When you take steps to become aware of defensiveness, it opens you up to hearing the message in the way it was intended to be heard. By alerting you to the reasons why you do not initially interpret the message in this way, it offers you and your partner an opportunity to look at how you communicate, and what could be done differently to avoid misunderstandings in the future. It also gives you space to really consider how the two of you want to treat one another when things are going well, as well as when conflict and misunderstandings develop.

And now, turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community. What has your experience been with defensiveness? What have you done to respond differently, even when you feel under attack of criticized? Share in the comment section below!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Things NOT to Say in a Fight With Your Partner

Transcript

One thing that almost all couples can relate to is conflict, and feeling regret after saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If you and your partner are tired of conflict that just seems to drive you apart, then this video is for you. Keep watching to learn some key things to avoid when conflict arises, so that you can feel closer and more connected!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

In my practice, I love working with couples to help them discover new and better ways of relating to one another during conflicts. It truly is the most common reason that most couples seek my help. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t interested in learning how to communicate when they are getting along perfectly well. The problem instead, is struggling to find ways to work through disagreements in constructive ways.

It is all too common for couples to feel incredibly frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the ways in which one or both partners treat the other when they’re fighting. For a lot of couples, the frustration of attempting to find resolution can feel impossible. So a lot of conflicts are left unresolved, with feelings of resentment and hurt piling up and disrupting their connection. 

One awesome thing about couples counselling is that it can help partners quickly learn that it’s not about trying to avoid conflict – a nearly impossible feat - Instead, it’s all about finding different, more helpful ways of working through disagreements. So let’s talk about what NOT to say or do when you feel challenged by your partner.

One of the most important ways to communicate in the heat of a conflict is to avoid criticizing, attacking, and name calling. Examples of these things include:

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you an idiot?! How do you not know how to do this?!” Statements like these can be on the cusp of, or outright, bonefide verbal and emotional abuse, because, to a greater or lesser degree, they are degrading, humiliating, and opporessive. If statements like these are done consistently over time, they can serve the purpose of asserting power and dominance over the other partner, as opposed to a rare expression if frustration.

Avoiding this way of communicating is so important because you cannot take words back. Once they are said, and the hurt is felt by the partner on the other end, there is a whole new issue to deal with – reconciling after a nasty attack. This kind of behaviour sets the stage for more hurt, and escalates the conflict and tension between you. It’s also problematic because it distracts you both from the original issue, which makes it harder to get to a place of resolution.

If one or both of you notice that you criticize, attack, or insult your partner during conflicts, then there are some ways to change this.

First and foremost, one of the most helpful things you can do is begin paying close attention to what you do when conflict arises. If you feel angry, afraid, or otherwise upset, slow down and assess what it is you are feeling and thinking about the situation at hand, and how you are expressing this with your partner. 

Play detective and really get to know the full context of what is happening before, during, and after you criticize, attack, or insult. It can be an uncomfortable process, acknowledging and owning actions you may not be proud of, but as hard as it may be, the benefit makes this process worth it. Also, the fact that you are experiencing discomfort shows that you know this type of behaviour is wrong, and it’s worth listening to your own moral compass.

After you have a thorough understanding of what goes on for you and your partner during conflicts, and how you come to communicate with criticism, attacks, or name calling, you can begin to explore better alternatives. Consider how you want to communicate in a more desirable way that you can be proud of.

One way to do this is to explore factors that help you to communicate with kindness and compassion, even when you feel angry or hurt.

Some questions that can help you get to this place of understanding include:

• What kind of mood do you need to be in to say your piece in a kind, clear, and direct way?

• Where do you need to be?

• What do you need to do?

• What can your partner do to support you in communicating in this way?

• How can you hold yourself accountable to communicate in this way?

One thing I want to stress here is that you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour, so if you have a hard time addressing your partner in kind ways when you feel challenged, it’s not your partner’s job to just avoid doing the things you feel challenged by – provided they are reasonable and not abusive. With the exception of abusive behaviour, you’re not being accountable if you say, “In order for me to treat you with kindness and patience, I need you to stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor”

So, notice and assess how and when you feel challenged by your partner, consider how you can express that in clear, direct, and kind ways, and be open to working WITH your partner on making things better for both of you.

By learning to communicate with more kindness in the midst of conflict, you will build a greater level of trust, a more egalitarian dynamic, and the emotional safety to be vulnerable and to truly connect on a deeper level with your partner.

When you are able to cultivate a relationship with this type of communication, the two of you will have greater freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow together.

I want to make one thing clear: it is absolutely possible to change the way you communicate, by putting in some attention, time, accountability, and effort.

I have been lucky enough to watch couples work together, to hear and understand one another’s positions, and find resolution in kind, respectful ways that ease frustrations and hurt feelings. Old conflicts that have yet to be resolved can be revisited and worked through to heal old hurts.

And now I’m turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak Community. What has your experience been with criticizing, attacking, or name calling during conflicts? What have you done to challenge yourself or your partner to find new, preferred ways of working through conflicts?

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Cheating in Relationships: Why Do People Do It?

Transcript

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can feel devastating. Being unfaithful yourself can leave you ridden with guilt, shame, and confusion about your relationship. If you’re trying to understand why people cheat, this video is for you!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Whether someone has cheated once or many times, it is generally a wakeup call that something isn’t quite right for at least one person in a relationship. But before we dive into that, let’s get on the same page with what “cheating” means.

Cheating is any type of behaviour that crosses either the spoken or unspoken boundaries set by partners in a relationship. For most couples, faithfulness is an assumed part of a committed relationship – and often doesn’t get talked about in explicit ways unlesssomeone is unfaithful. Simply put, “cheating” is breaking the rules that you and your partner set for each other.

For some, this may mean engaging with someone outside of the relationship sexually, emotionally, or both. Having sex with someone else is pretty clear and straight forward, whereas having an emotional affair can be a little more nuanced. 

An emotional affair consists of forming an emotional, intimate bond with someone outside of the relationship. The feeling you share with this person is different from a platonic connection – there is an affectionate, potentially flirtatious, and emotionally charged dynamic that develops. 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. And there is no “one size fits all” explanation. However, there are some general themes that can serve as a starting point to begin understanding why people choose to cheat. So let’s dive in and take a look at what some of those reasons are.

One reason why people cheat is because the unfaithful partner is dealing with a personal struggle or issue.

For example, I worked with a client who expressed how he was committed and in love with his partner, but found himself cheating on her repeatedly. When we first began working together, he said that he believed he had a sex addiction, and that cheating was based on an uncontrollable urge that he wanted to stop, but that he couldn’t figure out how to.

Throughout our conversations, it soon became clear that cheating served a purpose for him. As much as he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend and be unfaithful, he would pursue other women in response to experiencing anxiety. The pursuit of other women, in spite of the risk to his present relationship, served as a distraction from his anxious feelings. As we explored the problem further, he shared that he enjoyed the thrill-seeking nature of cheating, and that it made him in feeling more alive. Once we were able to nail down what cheating did for him and what benefit it brought to his life (along with the obvious cost), he was soon able to find new ways of having those needs met that did not involve cheating.

So realizing the personal longing or need that cheating satisfies can help you recognize other ways to address them without the potentially negative consequences of being unfaithful.

A second reason that people cheat is because they feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their present relationship. Now, before I go on, I want to make one thing crystal clear: I am in no way suggesting that the partner who gets cheated on is somehow responsible for their partner’s behaviour. Making sense of people’s choices is not a means to place blame on the other partner. 

Being in a long term committed relationship can be hard, even for those couples who seem to have the “perfect” relationship. It can be common for couples to become accustomed to a particular dynamic, which can be hard to change without a lot of conscious effort and work. When this dynamic becomes unsatisfying to one or both partners, people may respond by looking outside of the relationship for an escape or a way to have their needs met by others.

I have worked with couples where one partner chose to cheat in response to longing for more physical and emotional affection and attention. Cheating can be a way to have this need met, as opposed to working with your partner to find solutions that you can both agree on. 

If you are considering cheating or have already cheated in response to a sense of dissatisfaction, take a close look at your relationship and ask yourself what it is you are longing for. What do you need more of to become satisfied? Is your partner aware of how you feel? If so, how have you communicated this, and how did they respond? Does your partner understand and validate your experience? Do they want to work with you to find solutions? 

Not unlike with the first reason, identifying the relationship longings behind a partner’s decision to cheat can create opportunities make the relationship more satisfying and sustainable.

Another reason that people may choose to cheat is because they realize they are unhappy in their relationship, and are looking for a way out. This could be something that they are fully aware of, or it could be an underlying feeling that they have yet to address. 

If they are aware that they want to end the relationship, they may be experiencing a lot of guilt or concern of how their partner or others might respond. Perhaps they are avoiding the reality of where they are at, trying to escape the sense of guilt for being the one to call it quits, and finding themselves drawn to the idea of entering a new relationship.

Unfortunately, even if the cheating partner has good intentions by wanting not to hurt their significant other, cheating usually hurts so much more than just being straight and honest about things just not working for them.

The fourth reason as to why someone might cheat is related to a longing for a sense of power or control. Sometimes people who describe themselves as having “commitment issues” feel scared of being “locked down” by a monogamous relationship. For them, cheating is a means to feel like they’re not losing their power to a commitment that trumps their free will.

Of course, no relationship should undermine anyone’s right to consent, whether we’re talking about in the bedroom, or the relationship in general. If someone thinks that they need to cheat in order to preserve their sense of autonomy, it can be helpful to acknowledge those worries and arrive at an understanding that puts those fears to rest.

The final reason why someone might cheat that I’ll be touching on in this video relates to a desire to hurt their partner in a malicious way. Perhaps the cheating partner feels resentment toward their significant other, or has been hurt by something they’ve done in the past. Or maybe they feel dismissed or not taken seriously, so they use cheating as a way to show their partner what they’re capable of. In this way, cheating can be a means to get back at a partner in a way that really hurts. This can also be an abuse tactic, as an affront to the relationship and their partner’s dignity.

If this is the case, and you want to avoid cheating, these are often issues that can be addressed in more direct and therefore effective ways. If the vulnerability needed to talk openly about hurts, resentments, and other hard experiences doesn’t feel safety, this is where talking to a skilled couples counsellor can really help. It offers a space to address what needs to be talked about so that more constructive action can be taken. 

So, as hard as cheating can be for a relationship, addressing it creates an opportunity to take care other important issues. This can actually lead to more closeness, intimacy, trust, and connection, if handled well.

Now turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community: Are there other reasons a partner might cheat that I didn’t address in this video? Which reason stuck out to you the most, and what did it get you thinking? Be sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Is it OK for Couples to Fight?!

Transcript

Have you and your partner have been bickering or full on fighting more than ever? No matter what you do to try and resolve it, you’re encountering the same thing time and time again. And now you’re worried that it might mean something bigger about your relationship. 

Conflict in relationships can be a messy, confusing issue. You can probably relate to just wanting to get along with your partner without any tension or fighting. In this video I answer the age-old question – is it okay for couples to fight? The answer might surprise you, so keep watching!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Conflict can look different for every couple. For some, it’s a quiet, private event, with little verbal communication exchanged. For others, it can be pretty heated, with each partner asserting their point of view to be “right”. Usually there’s feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, and or hurt – which people respond to in lots of different ways.

Just to clarify, when I refer to conflict, I’m talking about people in relationships not getting along. Although sometimes these things get confused for one another, I’m NOT referring to violence or abuse, which is a fundamentally different issue altogether. I’m happy to make a video clarifying the difference between fighting and violence or abuse another time.

The issues behind a conflict can be just about anything – anything that you and your partner may have a different belief, feeling, or opinion on. It’s usually about something that matters to one or both of you, and a point of difference or disagreement.

Regardless of how you disagree or what you disagree over, some couples can find it really draining to experience a lot of conflict, and you might be wondering what it means about your relationship if and when you do fight. 

Well, let’s dive in and explore the ins and outs of conflict.

So, if you’re like a lot of people, you might presume that a healthy relationship is one where you get along all the time, and that fighting is the worst thing for your relationship.

While I can understand the appeal of never fighting, I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect to have conflict-free relationship. Because you and your partner are two people with different life experiences and perspectives, conflict is bound to arise!

The way me and a lot of relationship experts see it, conflict itself isn’t a problem, it’s how you respond to conflict that matters. In fact, I would argue that it can be problematic to continuously avoid having conflict when there’s an issue to address. 

Why, you may ask? Because avoiding conflict doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues like hurt feelings or resentments to address. Engaging in conflict constructively can actually help us clear the air and become even closer.

Avoiding conflict can be a fast track to resentment because you aren’t able to come to a place of resolution. Resentment can act like a dead, silent weight on a relationship that can eat away at the love you share.

Speaking of resentment, not only is it more likely to hang around when we avoid conflict, it can also build when you and your partner do engage in conflict, but struggle to find resolution. When conflict is half-heartedly dropped because it seems impossible to talk through it, nothing changes in the long term.

So how can couples fight in helpful and constructive ways?

First, get a sense of whether or not you, as a couple, struggle when it comes to conflict. Do you or your partner avoid fighting like the plague by keeping concerns to yourself, or withdrawing when your partner raises an issue, or saying what you think the other person wants to hear? Does one of you get aggressive or defensive even before anyone has said something hurtful? My main point here is: assess how you respond to issues in the relationship.

Having a clearer sense of how things tend to go wrong when it comes to fighting in your relationship can give you an idea of what to do about it. Depending on the situation, it can be as simple as being mindful of what you say and do when issues come up. But sometimes it’s less straightforward, like when it’s clear that there are personal issues that need to be worked through before the conflict gets easier. In cases like that, it can help to reach out to a therapist or to do some personal work in your own way.

A third helpful tip is to be aware of your energy levels when engaging with challenging issues together. Ask yourselves what energy you each have to openly and compassionately address the real issues. This is an opportunity for you both to respect where you’re at, and understand that both low and charged emotions can make it hard to work together as a team.

When you feel that you’re in a space to openly hear one another, you can begin by exploring each of your feelings about past or present hurts, and listen openly to what your partner has to say about it. What was it like for you during that conflict? How did you feel when it was happening?

And this brings me to one more tip: work on really listening to your partner. This means listening without interrupting, without forming a rebuttal, without judgment, and without defensiveness. It means being curious without making assumptions. Practice asking questions that help you understand your partner’s perspective, rather than arguing against them, or, on the other hand, telling them what you think they want to hear.

 So, it isn’t really about whether or not you and your partner have conflict in your relationship. What counts is how you respond and engage with it. 

When conflict is used as an exercise to learn about one another and demonstrate love, compassion, and respect, conflict resolution can be a great opportunity to grow together. Getting to this place is possible if you both invest the time and energy to do things a little bit differently.

Now turning it over to you, the heart and oak community: What do you think about fighting in relationships? What are some ways you’ve experienced it helping or hindering your own connection with partners? Let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop. 

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!